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-those I used to cherished were thrown into fire, and burned into ashes.
In my heart, I said to myself,
“Finally, it’s over.
Everything about him have turned into ashes.”
And I pray to my good God,
“I’m trading these ashes in for beauty.
Here I’m ending my mourning.
Here I’m handing over these ashes to my good God.
Here I trust my God.
Here I’m ready to get out of the dark, torment, painful memories drama room.
I’m taking Your hand Lord,
and willing to leave this place,
I’ve seen justice in the real court.
2 guilty persons charged in the court, with 2 different responses.
One is my mummy, another one is my dad.
My mummy pleads herself a guilty of hitting my dad, while me and my little sis were strongly disagreed at the moment. (We thought it’s dad the one caused for it!)
Mummy got her fine for RM500.
Dad got his fine for RM800.
Anyone wins? No.
Was there’s justice? Yes.
I was to imagine how a Heavenly Court will be with God sitting at the throne.
It is for me to be more humble than I could before a God who is holy.
It used to hurts me so much to hear that “God was there , even the time my father abused me physically and emotionally”. I told Eileen & Kheng Yeow about this and cried. Eileen explained to me that God is a gentleman, He is able to take all kinds of questions that are in our hearts. After that, she encouraged me to ask God about this.
So after the prayers of forgiving my parents and renouncing the bad vows that I’ve made, I asked God this question finally.
I saw a vision. I was on a sampan at a rushing river all the way. Then I saw a very huge building seemed to be blocking my way, I thought I will not get over it and was about to crash at it. But amazingly, it was actually a bridge on the river and I went through it. It was dark in the bridge, but after that I saw three rings of light. Then, God was kind of talking to me, “Your father born broken, you born broken, and my grace is glue. I was there when all these things happened, I was grieving. But now I’m bringing you a restoration in you. Though you couldn’t understand what reason these for, but you can trust me.”
One of the wonderful principle that shared by Eileen was “when you can’t trace His hand, trust His heart”. This was a song I learned in Philippines and there was two times God gave me this song through 2 sisters (Dorcas and my beloved trainer, Karla). God, all this while have been always there to remind me of Your heart. Thank You for such a releasing, comforting and special moment. You’ve been here with me and I know this.
Thank You Father. You are far more amazing, good, wonderful, loving, thoughtful, patient Father I could ever imagined and wanted. Thank You for loving me so much with all these orchestrated arrangements through these months and even years (because I’ve heard about the Significant Women for at least 4 years). You loved me deeply indeed and there’s no way for me to deny! I love you my dear Heavenly Father! Thanks for being a good Father to me and make up to me I’ve longed for but not gained. Thank You so much and good night Father. I love You.
On 22nd May 2014, I was informed that I will be released from this organization as a missionary by the 31st of May 2014. This decision was made according to the recommendation of psychiatrist and counselor to my organization leaders that I would need to be in a light duty position, while there is no available position for me.
Indeed, my heart sank. But I was ensured by the Lord that this is His will for me. So in spite of this disappointment, I choose to trust the Lord for this is the best plan He has for me.
I thank God for the faith He has in me, that He believe I’m able to do His will; I thank God for the faith He place in me, that enables me to continue this race with confidence.
I thank my organization leaders who have been praying and seeking God for my good in many decisions, from I was sicked until now I’m in the process of recovery.
I thank my family, ministry partners and friends who have been praying and concerning me, supporting financially in my darkest days. These are the secret moments that you have continuously brought love and power to me, helping me to get up to my feet. You too have bless me the ability to believe in myself that I could make it through.
“Thank You” is the title of this chapter of my life, God and you have taught me to be grateful and joyful even in the most painful period of the life.
In the coming days, I will still need prayers and financial support. For I will be raising RM13,000 for the hospitalization expenses in Philippines to be returned to Malaysia Campus Crusade, as it have paid for me in advance. Please let me know if you are willing to take part of my last fund raising as a missionary at 2014. The deadline of this fund raising will be at 31st of July 2014.
At the same time, I will be looking for a job in Johor Bahru and Singapore. Please pray for me that I will have discernment of the opened doors and closed doors God has for me, thank you!
Once again, thank you with a deep bow.
I am the eldest among 7 children. My father is a very short-tempered person. When I was growing up, he hits me with a belt, a towel, a rattan, or a spanner when he gets mad. One time, he pulled me off the bed in the middle of the night and made me mop the floor of the whole house. Because of these experiences, I grew up having low self-esteem and feeling unloved and not valued.
When I became a teenager, I didn’t want to be manipulated by my father anymore. So I started to talk back when he would scold me. But, the first time I did that, he slapped my face. Then I tried to run away from home but went back on the same day when I realized that I cannot live alone. The next day I fought with my father again but instead of running away from home, I just hid behind our house. I wanted to know if he would care for me enough to find me. But he did not. In fact, he started to beat and scold my siblings. I was very disappointed.
One day, my aunt visited me and shared about God’s love and forgiveness. She prayed for me that God will help me to forgive, love, and respect my father. At that time, I didn’t want to say “Amen” because I knew that to say “Amen” means to agree with her prayer. But to forgive, love, and respect my father was the last thing I would do for I was so angry with him. My aunt insisted that I say “Amen” so eventually, I said it with anger. She didn’t know that it caused me to shut myself off from God. I decided to not pray and trust Him anymore after that.
There’s a verse in the Bible that says “If we become unfaithful, God remains faithful for He cannot disown Himself.” Indeed, God did not let me go. One time, a friend invited me to go with her in a fellowship which she finds the program interesting. I went without knowing what was there. The first that I came, I felt the genuine care, love, and affirmation from the people especially from the youth coach. That kept me coming back for a year! During those times, someone shared to me about Jesus Christ twice, but I readily rejected. True enough, He remains faithful even when I’m not. On March 2004, the same message about Jesus Christ was shared to me again, and after realizing what He has done on the cross and how He showed love through the youth coach and people in the church, I opened my heart and accepted Him as my Savior and Lord.
I experienced changes in my life over the past nine years. Slowly, with God’s love through people, I began to see myself as someone special and valued by God. I started to experience Him as my heavenly Father. That gave me courage to share the same message that I heard to others. I have also learned to forgive my father. However, I am still in the process of putting the broken pieces of my heart together and learning to extend grace to him when he fails me and my family again and again. God’s love alone causes me to love my father more.
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Hi dearest ministry partners! Thanks for praying and financially supporting me!
You know, I went to doctor yesterday and he said I’m recovering speedy, medicine has been reduced! He also encouraged me to continue have positive mind! If weren’t God and your big heart in prayers and financial supports according to God’s promptings, I would not still having sufficient financial and prayer support today. A BIG THANK YOU to God and you!
Now I’m still resting at home, these days have helped me to know my family better and our bonding getting stronger as the days passed. Love, affection and kindness is what I learned deeper in this period with my family. Maybe I’m just repositioned by God as missionary in my family! (P/s: Please read my personal prayed received Christ testimony after this post, then you’ll know my family background).
I praise God for the sermon “From Worry to Worship: Walk in Faith” by Pastor Peter Tan Chi yesterday, it taught me how crucial are emotions and how they could affect me. Praise God the Bible taught me how to walk in faith and worship Him in these resting days. Share with you! May it bless you too!
-God bless my mental health continue to reach full recovery so I could serve in the field soon! (My doctor’s name: Benjamin Chan)
-God bless my family through my presence at home.
-God bless my church through my presence too.
-God bless you continue to walk in faith in this worries world and worship Him.
Thanks for praying with me! Deeply appreciate!
16 Feb 2014 supposed to be an ordinary day, but that wasn’t God intended.
I woke up with an excitement reading Facebook message from Michelle (the girl in the picture below), telling me she has believed in Jesus after my Gospel sharing to her 2 years ago!
“Thank you Mathilda. You told me before if one day I accepted Jesus as my savior, let you know about it.
Actually God has always been there for me, but my faith was weak, I did not surrender to God, I denied Him even when He came to me. But He never give me up. He keeps coming to me, and when I open my heart, finally I could understand Him and experience Him.
Everything is miracle. Things seem impossible are made possible with God. When I allow the Holy Spirit to come to me, again I read the bible, I perceive it in different way, God words seem to be so relevant now. A good news here, I am getting baptized next week.”
Praise the Lord for what He has done while we all have privilege to be in this!
My dear ministry partners,
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” -Galatians 6:9-
Our work in the Lord is not in vain, no matter through prayers, services & financial! I’m so appreciate you have co-journey with me in the last one year! Although it seems hard to reap harvest in this postmodern society, but nothing is impossible with the Lord. So let’s keep doing good & share the light of the Gospel to many who awaiting salvation like Michelle 2 years ago!
Prayer for Michelle:
-Michelle is very passionate with God’s Word, let’s pray for her victorious Christian growth.
-Michelle is now studying in Osaka University, Japan. She is taking BioChemistry in the Malaria research field for 4 years. Let’s pray for her to be the salt and light as excellent & faithful Christian in her field.
All glory & praise be to God!