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See, the stone I have set in front of Joshua!
There are seven eyes on that one stone, and I will engrave an inscription on it,’
says the Lord Almighty, ‘and I will remove the sin of this land in a single day.
-Zec 3:9 NIV-
The sin of this land have been removed in a single day as you promised when Jesus died and rose again.
Why this so much fear and stress? To die of thinking I’ve not done enough for the people I loved and the things I’ve dreamed of are those I fear the most.
The impact of the death of my grandpa.
He died of having dreams undone and people not loved enough. He wants to go back to his China hometown with his brother, cycling around the places they used to. He wants to go outside of the hospital to eat kolo mee with me. He might want to say sorry to someone too, like my mummy who used to suffered during her childhood; or the inability to give equally for his inheritance to his children, especially Auntie Jane & Auntie Maria. And perhaps, more. More, I’ve not known.
People whom I’m loving and the dreams I’m dreaming kept me alive till today. Yet, in another way round, I’m fearful to die without doing enough of these.
Daa, can you ever know when is enough for you to die? Never. You can never love enough and you can never dream enough. But you can never stop loving and stop dreaming too. You know, you can love and dream into eternity.
By faith. Remember the love Jesus gave you? The love that’s enough to chase all your fears away. Remember what Jesus did on that day had remove all your sins in a single day. That’s why you can love and dream forever. Because you live forever.
Therefore tell the people: This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘Return to me,’ declares the Lord Almighty, ‘and I will return to you,’ says the Lord Almighty.
Do not be like your ancestors, to whom the earlier prophets proclaimed: This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘Turn from your evil ways and your evil practices.’ But they would not listen or pay attention to me, declares the Lord .
Where are your ancestors now? And the prophets, do they live forever? But did not my words and my decrees, which I commanded my servants the prophets, overtake your ancestors?
“Then they repented and said, ‘The Lord Almighty has done to us what our ways and practices deserve, just as he determined to do.’ ”
I do not know much about my ancestors, I’m only know one generation from my father’s side, and two generations from my mummy’s side.
My father, is someone who hardened his heart, choose to stay at the evil ways of life. Used to thought he could repent, but every time is a lie for him to get his way.
My mummy, is someone sees eternity and hold tightly to you. As if she could not lose her sight at you, everyday. She prays, she repents, she humbles herself, she submits to whatever your will is. Even many trials she had in life, she never stop trusting you.
Lord, whom you’ve told me to follow? Follow you as my mummy following. Lord, the moment I woke up, you told me to do something matters to my soul. And now I understand, you are calling me to return to you, so you shall return to me too.
Lord, you know my heart, I’ve been desiring and wanting to soar for you everyday, but most of the days I ended with disappointment without doing so as I was so tide up to daily busy routine that exhausted all my strength. And this morning, you no longer only give me the desire to soar to you, but remind me to act on what I’ve been desired.
Thank you Lord, my soul restored in your presence, my heart refreshed in your love, my soul delighted in your Word of Life.
May the Lord make us an answered prayer of their prayer.
-those I used to cherished were thrown into fire, and burned into ashes.
In my heart, I said to myself,
“Finally, it’s over.
Everything about him have turned into ashes.”
And I pray to my good God,
“I’m trading these ashes in for beauty.
Here I’m ending my mourning.
Here I’m handing over these ashes to my good God.
Here I trust my God.
Here I’m ready to get out of the dark, torment, painful memories drama room.
I’m taking Your hand Lord,
and willing to leave this place,
I’ve seen justice in the real court.
2 guilty persons charged in the court, with 2 different responses.
One is my mummy, another one is my dad.
My mummy pleads herself a guilty of hitting my dad, while me and my little sis were strongly disagreed at the moment. (We thought it’s dad the one caused for it!)
Mummy got her fine for RM500.
Dad got his fine for RM800.
Anyone wins? No.
Was there’s justice? Yes.
I was to imagine how a Heavenly Court will be with God sitting at the throne.
It is for me to be more humble than I could before a God who is holy.
It used to hurts me so much to hear that “God was there , even the time my father abused me physically and emotionally”. I told Eileen & Kheng Yeow about this and cried. Eileen explained to me that God is a gentleman, He is able to take all kinds of questions that are in our hearts. After that, she encouraged me to ask God about this.
So after the prayers of forgiving my parents and renouncing the bad vows that I’ve made, I asked God this question finally.
I saw a vision. I was on a sampan at a rushing river all the way. Then I saw a very huge building seemed to be blocking my way, I thought I will not get over it and was about to crash at it. But amazingly, it was actually a bridge on the river and I went through it. It was dark in the bridge, but after that I saw three rings of light. Then, God was kind of talking to me, “Your father born broken, you born broken, and my grace is glue. I was there when all these things happened, I was grieving. But now I’m bringing you a restoration in you. Though you couldn’t understand what reason these for, but you can trust me.”
One of the wonderful principle that shared by Eileen was “when you can’t trace His hand, trust His heart”. This was a song I learned in Philippines and there was two times God gave me this song through 2 sisters (Dorcas and my beloved trainer, Karla). God, all this while have been always there to remind me of Your heart. Thank You for such a releasing, comforting and special moment. You’ve been here with me and I know this.
Thank You Father. You are far more amazing, good, wonderful, loving, thoughtful, patient Father I could ever imagined and wanted. Thank You for loving me so much with all these orchestrated arrangements through these months and even years (because I’ve heard about the Significant Women for at least 4 years). You loved me deeply indeed and there’s no way for me to deny! I love you my dear Heavenly Father! Thanks for being a good Father to me and make up to me I’ve longed for but not gained. Thank You so much and good night Father. I love You.
On 22nd May 2014, I was informed that I will be released from this organization as a missionary by the 31st of May 2014. This decision was made according to the recommendation of psychiatrist and counselor to my organization leaders that I would need to be in a light duty position, while there is no available position for me.
Indeed, my heart sank. But I was ensured by the Lord that this is His will for me. So in spite of this disappointment, I choose to trust the Lord for this is the best plan He has for me.
I thank God for the faith He has in me, that He believe I’m able to do His will; I thank God for the faith He place in me, that enables me to continue this race with confidence.
I thank my organization leaders who have been praying and seeking God for my good in many decisions, from I was sicked until now I’m in the process of recovery.
I thank my family, ministry partners and friends who have been praying and concerning me, supporting financially in my darkest days. These are the secret moments that you have continuously brought love and power to me, helping me to get up to my feet. You too have bless me the ability to believe in myself that I could make it through.
“Thank You” is the title of this chapter of my life, God and you have taught me to be grateful and joyful even in the most painful period of the life.
In the coming days, I will still need prayers and financial support. For I will be raising RM13,000 for the hospitalization expenses in Philippines to be returned to Malaysia Campus Crusade, as it have paid for me in advance. Please let me know if you are willing to take part of my last fund raising as a missionary at 2014. The deadline of this fund raising will be at 31st of July 2014.
At the same time, I will be looking for a job in Johor Bahru and Singapore. Please pray for me that I will have discernment of the opened doors and closed doors God has for me, thank you!
Once again, thank you with a deep bow.